Genie and three wishes

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"
The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."
Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?"
The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever."
The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish."
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life."

The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan."
Dylan said, "No way!"
The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?"
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves."

Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left.
Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, "Forty-five."
The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"

Priest and nun in a desert

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."

Ice cream bell

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away,
Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Ten husbands and lawyer husband

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well,
Husband #1 was a sales representative.
He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services.
He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services.
He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing.
Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer.
He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration.
He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing.
Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist.
All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist.
All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector.
All he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

Young woman in a tight mini skirt in a bus stop

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

Drunk old men

Two old drunks were drinking in the pub together, when the first one says:

"You know, Mick, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with
both hands. When I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried
really hard.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm 60
next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"The point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."

Sex with the midget

A tall woman met a midget at a party.
The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk,
"Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

Waiting for a train

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

Deer run too fast

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."